Monday, September 20, 2004
the attachment has finally ended... and it'll be back to NIE life from today onwards. all in all, it has been a fruitful stint. i got to make new friends wif fellow NIE trainees working with me. i re-established ties with my fellow colleagues in school. most importantly, i had finally made up my mind to come over after my training. the bonds and ties i've made with the fellow teachers me have met one of my most important criterias in choosing the schools i want to start my career with. the students may be a crazy lot, the distance may be a factor, but nothing beats having a group of colleagues giving u the utmost support in carrying out your duties. wat more having "clowns" who click well wif me, after all im a clown too!
however, the emotional rollercoaster resumed. i didnt intend to have such things to happen, but somehow it was inevitable. it was my fault too to initiate such feelings dat i could not get anything in return. i guess i've made someone confused, but at least she knows wat she wants out of the whole mess in the end. as for me, the emotional turmoil brought back all the past feelings dat i've been trying to supress.. eventually i have to kill all thoughts of possibilities.. coz as long as i have such thoughts, i will never be able to move on. but i really ask myself, y am i still holding to it? was it because she's such a cute, lovable and suitable person, someone whom i'd consider a soulmate, dat i believe would one day be the right partner for me? i've been laughing my heads off, feeling soo very happy and will always be smiling whenever i have interaction wif her. wats so special in her dat overwhelms me soo much its driving me crazy?
watever it is, one thing for sure, is that she's someone else. im a third party in this relationship. i started it in the first place, so i must find a way to end it. it was also my fault dat my presence was known, while she was still wif him, the one reason dat woke him up n made him realise his ignorance to her would lead to him losing her to someone else.. well, dat finally led them together. on one hand, im happy dat they're now together and ever closer than before, n dat she's so very happy now. y would i want to destroy someone's happiness in the first place, right? my happiness? i dunno... but most importantly, i have to stop having feelings for her. whether i use the easy way or the hard way, dats something i have to be responsible for.
at the same time, i know i shouldnt let available opportunities pass. i mean, there are a lot of other potentials out there for me to meet, n windows of opportunities dont open dat long. somehow im afraid of venturing out coz it'd be sooo unfair for any new someone especially. i dont want to go out wif someone while i'll still be thinking of dat other someone.. n i dont want to make comparisons btw a new someone n dat someone.. its just soo unjustified of me.. sometimes the concept of hope is such a double edged sword, for me hope is poison right now, though it may be a cure in other instances. haizzz..
so readers out there, help me out, suggestions... should i keep my life to myself till i feel happy being alone finally, or should i try to start loving someone else... when someone else may be soo close to me dat i didnt notice it?
BIG HELP NEEDED HERE!!
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